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Triggering not whited out on my phone sorry   
11:04pm 23/06/2011
  I'm on the verge of tears. I will never be good enough. Sometimes all you can do is pour a glass of wine..  
     

I hope YOU dance

 
ewwwwwwwwwwwwww   
12:53am 03/12/2007
 
mood: sick
I feel so sick ew ew ewwwwwwwwww what the hell?
This weekend sucked.
I am so over myself. Tomorrow I will be better. I really hope so.
I feel horrible. I'm paranoid.
Verdammt.
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
I'm falling all over myself....   
01:36pm 28/11/2007
 
mood: cheerful
I feel super dizzy and high...
I love it.
Have pause right now at Uni... going to go on to my last class and then go tan, run some errands, go home... work out for a bit, shower, and then go to work.
I can't wait for the weekend. I wanna go crazy.. just have a damn good time. I have had a couple of semi-mellow weekends... but this weekend I want to go out of control again.
I've learned that well.. in some ways I just cannot be tamed.. and I am sorry but this is how it is.
I wanna go shopping.. but I am too fat right now.. damn it. Well.. I will save up money as I lose weight and then have a shopping spree to reward me when I get to my goal. YAY.
haha.. oh sheisse I have to get to class. Update later.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
mensch....   
12:59pm 27/11/2007
 
mood: sleepy
My sister is leaving today and that makes me extremely sad...
everything will be back to normal.. well.. no not really. My brother's wife and their two kids are living with us until my brother finishes up with college in May.. I really HOPE that.. I dunno.. maybe I won't even be here for long. I might be moving out. Who knows? Anyway.. I just love seeing my family and its sad to see them go. I feel aort of weird today. I don't really know why. I just feel really sleepy, which is good but also bad because I can't nap.. I have too much things to do. I need to work out. I feel so bloated. ew. I HATE my cycle but at least it'll be gone by the weekend :) I am finally gonna be going to spend some really hot sexy quality time with my man and I am thrilled about it. We are doing so well and that makes me so happy. I just hope that things can stay balanced like this. Anyway, I gues for now I am going to get on my stair stepper and read instead of wasting my time writing. I will update later when I get a moment where I am not worrying about having to get something done. kusschen.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

2 Danced the night away | I hope YOU dance

 
<3   
12:26am 27/11/2007
 
mood: sleepy
I got results back from my blood test results back from my obgyn today. All of the tests came back negative. SO happy :) I also started my cycle a few hours ago... hate my cycle but loving that I got it because its reassurance. yay.
Anyway...
today was better than I expected it would be at first. I was so depressed earlier.. I feel so much better. My boyfriend came over and we had such a lovely time. I am falling more and more in love with him. I love it but its scaring me at the same time because I don't know the last time I felt like this.. I don't remember this feeling and its so overwhelming. I know I have made so many mistakes in my love life but I feel like he could be the one. I hope so anyway. He is wonderful and I do love him so much. I cannot wait until we will live together. He wants me to quit my job and work for his mom. It pays more and everything but I am not really sure right now. That idea makes me a little nervous. I don't know why. We'll see. Anyway.. more on my love life later.. I am not really in a writing mood right now...
I talked to my brother today.. a lot. I am happy that he and I are connecting and really bonding and getting close. I am just worried about him.. about us. I don't know. I don't want to get too deep into that now.. I will save it for another time when I have the time to really write and sort this shit out.
I am for once very sleepy and it totally excites me so I think I am going to take advantage of it and go to bed. I will update much more and much better later. This was pointless because I didn't really get into anything.
Goodnight my loves.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
well scheisse   
11:30am 26/11/2007
 
mood: sad
I am feeling so low today. I am sososososososo mean and I need to really check myself. I swear. The thanksgiving holiday was alright aside from the stupid things I worry about.. I am out of control. My sister leaves tomorrow and I am really sad about that because I enjoy having her here so much... well 1.) because all the attention isn't on me which is better at times when I just cannot handle being put on the spot 2.) she is my sister and I miss having girl days with her and just hanging out with her.. there are more reasons of course but I am not going to list them all. Maybe with Amanda and the two babies living with us for now, I will get some sort of break.. or maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that I need to take some responsibility and I also need to think about my future and save more and move out. I love my family and living there its just that I am so independent. I have already been on my own before and I feel like I am getting older and I need to probably be out of the house soon. My boyfriend wants me to move in with him when he moves out, so we'll see about that. He and I have been doing great lately.. a few slip ups here and there but every couple goes through those things. I love him sososososo much.
On another note, I really need to get my act together. My mutti is right.. I have no one but myself to blame for me doing horrible this semester. Next semester I need to seriously rock it out. Step my game up and totally shine. I have a lot to fix and I am terrified. I just hate this. I don't know why I let this happen. Scheisse x 10000000000000000 infinity.
Anyway, about three more weeks until winter vacations and I couldn't be more excited. I need a break so damn bad. I need to chill out.
Things I need to do:
~~save save save save more money
~~get new clothes.. I love how I write this after "save more money"... well I can't help it.. I DO need new clothes...
~~take better care of myself... do my nails, do a hair treatment.. maybe a facial.. I don't know.. I feel like such a scrub.. feel so ugly lately...
~~get tan again.. haven't gone tanning in ages
~~finish using up teeth whitening strips..forgot about them
~~exercise a LOT more.. make a plan.. need to lose weight again.. also need to keep taking vitamins.. still want my body to be happy with me
~~mend relationships with friends that I sort of put on the backburner.. I hate when I unintentionally do this.. It really isn't on purpose.. I just sort of cut myself off sometimes and I need to stop this!
~~Be nicer and more respectful of my family, besonderes my mutti.. I really feel bad.

This is all that I can think of for now.
I cannot wait for the warm weather again.. winter has a way of depressing me even more which is definitely really bad.
Anyway, things have been pretty straight forward lately and I am enjoying this because I know that when things are straight forward, they are bound to get off track soon. I feel the drama coming on but I hope it can wait for a long time. I don't need any drama right now. I hope my past doesn't come to bite me in the ass.
This is all for now. Ciao bellas.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
He really is wonderful   
12:03am 24/11/2007
 
mood: cold
Today was a weird day. I don't know, it's like I wasted half of it and then used the rest of it to get some things done.
I went to the store with my brother and got some mega T green tea pills with calcium and some other stuff in it. I am pretty excited about it.
Then we went to the bookstore. That was an adventure. Of course it all ended with a trip to Starbucks, a two mile walk, and crunches. It was great.
Now I just read a bit for school and talked with my boyfriend. He is growing on me more and more every day, which I didn't think was possible just because its hard for me to feel those sorts of emotions for anyone.. hell I don't even feel those things for my closest friends.. Family of course but not my other friends.. weird. I dunno, I just feel like he has everything that I need in a man. He makes me feel so safe and loved. When I feel my absolute shittiest and ugliest, he makes me feel like a damn supermodel and like no one compares to me. he just has this way of making me feel unstoppable and completely wonderful. It's hard to explain. I cannot wait to move in with him. I am so excited for our future. I hope everything works out. I just want to be the one for him. I love him and I want to be perfect for him. Is that so much to ask?
Make me beautiful.
I will get there again.
Tomorrow I will go visit him at work after I finish doing community service. Yay for that. I guess I will try to go to bed now, even though I am not tired at all. Gute nacht!
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

2 Danced the night away | I hope YOU dance

 
out of sight, out of mind....   
04:00pm 23/11/2007
 
mood: cold
So yesterday was as shitty as I thought it would be..
I did exercise though which is good.
Today I exercised some and lazed around and drank kaffee. I am waiting for my brother so we can go to the book store and get some kaffee and who knows what else. I am so pissed because I can't get my extensions yet because I either have to wait for my hair stylist or find another place that sells them because this particular place only sells them to liscensed cosmotologists... no wonder she said she wanted to go with me :/ ughh oh well, I'll get it when I get it.. my hair is great on its own anyway.. haha I just like to change things up.
Yesterday my boyfriend came over and it was a mxed night. Things were so up and down and I know its because I was being absolutely horrible. I need to seriously shape up. I really acted like a little child. :( Things are good though after talking it all out. I was just a little insane but really because I was mad at myself. I hate that. No one should be treated bad because I am disappointed in myself. I need to be better at not taking things out on other people. Usually I don't but last night I just freaked out I guess. I just forget that the things he is doing are because he wants things to be better for us. He is working hard for us and I need to be more understanding of that. He makes me feel so beautiful and so fragile and I love that but it motivates me even more because I just don't believe him or anyone else who says it for that matter. He saw me have a little piece of my mutti's cheesecake for her birthday and he said, "Oh my gosh I am so happy to see you eating. This is probably only the 6th time I have ever seen you eat in the 7 or whatever months that I have known you." I just laughed because he totally made that number up. There's no way that people would count how many times they see another person eat something. Whatever.
Anyway....
ahh I have stuff to do but I feel so lazy. I want my brother to get a move on. After we do our things I wanna go tanning probably. I just need to keep myself busy. I will probably read and catch up on things for school tonight. Tomorrow I have community service from 9:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m. Super. I mean... that's 10 hours of working and moving around so that's good. It was fun last weekend but also LONG.....time seems to fly earlier on and as the day goes by the time seems to slow down so much.
Okay now I am just rambling. ugh I am so bored I am going to go see where my brother is at and see about getting a move on..
Update laterrrr.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
happy thanksgiving if that's your thing....   
04:32pm 22/11/2007
 
mood: drunk
I hate this day but I love it too because well... thanksgiving is my mutti's birthday. sooooo.. it's two things in one and we have family over and it's kind of exciting here. haha. I just took a shower and I have been drinking. I am drinking a bloody mary right now and having a side of coffee. hahaha.
This morning my sister Sophia called from Berlin and that made me extremely happy. I loved catching up with her and I definitely cannot wait to see her again!
So.. i was super pissed because I went downstairs and my sister was leaving and I didn't understand what she was saying to me because I was still groggy and my mutti told me that she and my brother were going to Starbucks and I FLEW at the door and chased after their car speeding off! I was soooo MAD like the NERVE they know Starbucks is the love of my life... and me and my brother bond over it now kinda. haha. We bond over other weird things now... and I don't know what to think about it.. a little more on that later. Well, so anyway I storm into the kitchen and say to my mutti, "break out the espresso machine!" Since I have the ingredients for about any type of kaffee my mutti and I made homemade/ healthy versions of mocha latte's. I felt so left out that my brother and sister left me. I was really steamed about it. The homemade latte' was great though. I also had some black kaffee and put the rest in the refrigerator.
Anyway, so I had my morning ciggy and then I took a shower. After my shower, my brother knocked on my door and gave me a venti sugarfree vanilla nonfat latte'!!!! He REMEMBERED me! :D He said he felt bad that they left without me but he did not know I was awake.. I mean they left as I was coming downstairs so... I was SO happy!!! yay so he made me a bloody mary and I am sitting here with my starbucks and bloody mary and all is good again. haha he and I are going to be going and getting some books and things before he goes back to school on Sunday. I am pretty excited about. He is also going to give me some other things that he got and I am doubly excited about that. I just need to get through today. Yesterday I was so sick ALL day... and a little carried over to today but I feel much better compared to yesterday!
I am realy happy that my boyfriend remembered my mutti's birthday! He called while I was in the shower and left a message wishing happy thanksgiving and wishing my mutti a happy birthday! I should be seeing him later on tonight after we both celebrate thanksgiving with our families. I miss him so I am really excited. It never used to be the case that I miss someone so much and feel so needy and attached and on one hand it really arses me off and on the other hand it makes me feel happy to know that I CAN have those feelings about someone again. It's hard to explain.
Anyway....
My brother confided some things to me yesterday and on one hand I am happy about it that he can open up to me.. I mean I know WHY he can open up to me about these kinds of things.. but on the other hand it makes me sad for him because I would never wish these types of things on anyone and I feel teilweise (partly?) responsible for it. Ughhh...
I will update more later because dun dun dunnnn we are having dinner in a few. Wish me luck.... I will just drown my sorrows about it with alcohol later.. so whatever.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
ah!!!!   
04:28pm 21/11/2007
 
mood: nauseated
So.. I just got back from tanning and it hit me...
I swear....
I got two viles of blood drawn today at the doctor's and I am starting to feel the aftermath.. I feel so sick.. I have a headache and I feel really really out of control shaky! I feel dizzy and completely out of it.
I really hope I can make it at work. I am getting heat flashes and I just feel like shit altogether. I HATE getting blood drawn.. the amount was so much and I feel like a mess right now... I started feeling it a while ago but it was ok.. now it feels unbearable. Oh my gosh... I really hope I start feeling better. This sucks SO damn BAD! I feel like paranoid and nauseated. I can't stop shaking. Jeeze.....
It's weird though because I feel like I have so much energy like I wanna work out for a few hours. Damn it I have to go to work though.. After work I'll go shopping for my mom's b-day tomorrow and then I'll probably get some coffee, come home, and work out.. spend some time with the fam, etc. ahhh.... I hope everyone else is doing better than me...
Oh and screw my doctor.. she thinks she knows everything about me. She was all accusing again today. She was like trying to diagnose me.. idiot.. she's my obgyn.... What the hell ever.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This is all I have for now. I am gonna do some crunches before work.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
Games I don't wanna play.. things I don't wanna say   
02:06pm 21/11/2007
 
mood: crappy
So I have some time right now and I felt like I should update. It's pretty pointless though because there are so many things that I want to say but I don't feel like I can say them here because I know most of the people in real life who read my journal and I don't want to bring them into my personal life.. I know it sounds pathetic but I have mostly surface friendships.. party buddies and people to shop with and have fun with.. I don't have many people I can have a really deep conversation with.. even the people that I CAN have those conversations with, I feel like I can't anymore. It's gotten to the point where I really don't want anyone in my business.. it's nothing that they did wrong. I just feel like.. I am so over being open about myself. I feel like a defect. Like I should be sent back to Heaven or wherever the hell I came from for remodeling. I sound really dramatic right now but really.. I don't know when I started feeling this way.. I guess the feelings built up and all I really want lately is to be alone. Just alone. I don't want anyone around me. I don't want anyone looking at me. I don't want my name to come out of anyone's mouth. I just want to sit on the floor in the corner in the dark in my room and write and drink coffee and listen to pretty music. I guess me trying to turn things around backfired because now I am freaking out because I pretty much feel like I ruined everything. I feel really paranoid and like a waste of space. I feel like a fat worthless piece of nothing important. I just don't even know myself right now. I used to accept myself and my problems but right now I am so lost because I tried to discard myself and be something I am not. I feel like it was a mistake because now things are worse than ever. I have been binging for almost 2 weeks and occasionally I get sick after as a result of freaking out. I am NOT doing that anymnore. No more binging. I started exercising again, which is good because it makes me feel better. It's only the beginning. I am going to make some changes.. for ME and people better back the fuck back. I don't give a damn what they say or look at me like. I need to be myself again. I just have so much going on. I wish I didn't ruin anything. It's going to take me a while before I get back to where I was. I wanna have everything back on track so bad. I have been having some problems lately with my friends and my boyfriend.. my friends really just because they think I have disappeared and that I am ignoring them.. which I am not. I just need some time to myself to get back on track... problems with my boyfriend because I feel so unimportant to him right now. I talked to him last night and we talked everything out but you know it's like I need more than just reassurance right now because I am so vulnerable.. I am nervous though and I cannot talk about my stuff with him or most people in my life because honestly... people have such perfect pictures of me and they only have good things to say about me that I don't want to ruin what people feel about me.. it would be like smashing everything they thought I was/ am... and I am afraid they wouldn't understand... who really does unless they go through these things too? I mean...ahhh I don't wanna go into detail... this sucks... you know what? I think I am going to also make a seperate lj so that I can really truly express everything in deep detail.. all of the scary shit so that no one I know will be able to see and judge. I will add only those to it who I don't mind to read it. Sorry to all others but this really is too personal and I am not comfortable sharing. I will still keep this journal to write normal things in... I just need the other one to get into much deeper detail. I also have my written journal but this is just such easy access. Anyway... here is how my day went so far:

*woke up, went to the doctor
*went to starbucks
*worked out a bit
*wrote in here...

not much but whatever... now I will probably get ready to go tanning, as I have not been in a while... then I will ... I dunno.. drink more coffee....and then go to work and then who knows? I am so excited to be on holiday... today is my last day of work for the week... gottseidank.
I cannot wait for thanksgiving to be O-V-E-R!!! Afterwards, can we say detox? for sure.
Plans after thanksgiving:

*work on myself... exercise more, drink more water, keep taking vitamins, detox, lose a shitload of weight.
*Work on my relationships.. with my friends and especially with my boyfriend
*do better in school...this really applies to next semester
*save up a lot of money.. just because.. oh and buy new clothes
*get myself together

I am excited for change. :) I need it desperately now.
I'll update later. Ciao Bellas!
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

2 Danced the night away | I hope YOU dance

 
a little time before I head to work   
04:45pm 19/11/2007
 
mood: busy
I thought that I would make a quick update before I went to work. I just got done cleaning my room. YAY I feel much better in a room with no clutter.
I had a test today and now I am on short thanksgiving holidays. Although very short, I really need this mini vaca away from Uni. I am wiggin out. I really cannot wait for winter vacations. I really need to pull myself together. I stayed up until around 3:30 in the morning typing up a news source paper for my journalism class so I could turn it in today instead of going there just to turn it in tomorrow. I feel good about that. I am just so over things right now. I have so much to but if I get into it now, I will definitely not be able to stop and I will definitely be late for work, which is is nothing new. haha.
I guess I will go to work now and really update later.
This entry was pointless. Sorry. I am in dire need of some more coffee.
My sister is coming to visit tonight. yay. My brother will be back in a couple days. Yay nochmal... oh holidays... shit on thanksgiving though.. but.. thanksgiving is also my mom's b-day... that means trouble. I am excited for my mom's b-day though. I need o go get her gift. Ok I am procrastinating.. I really need to go. Bis spaeter.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
My home forever is outer space   
03:29pm 15/11/2007
 
mood: high
I just made some green tee.. waiting for the tee to soak in. I really don't know why I am writing in here right now because I have so much to do.. but I have so much on my mind and lately I am finding it so hard to concentrate. Everything is so up and down with me these days... I never know what to expect.. my mood seems to change like this damn ass Kentucky weather because I am constantly getting different news and different things thrown in my life. I just wish that things could be constant for a while.. I wish that I could just be blissfully happy for more than a couple hours. My life is pretty undescribable right now. My actions are pretty out of control and flippant.. my grades are suffering.. I am on a never ending roller coaster regarding me, myself, and I. I just don't see the point in me trying to be good anymore because I am so sick of it all. I want to be true to myself and do what I want but I don't want anybody to judge me. They have no right to. I don't give a damn what people might think. I need to do some things that I am going to do for me! I am just under so much right now. I seriously cannot wait for vacations.. I am going to use that time to CHILL OUT and prepare to rock it out next semester because after this semester I have to. :( FICKEN!
ughh.. don't wanna think about that anymore.. let's see...happy things...
OH!
He did something so surprising and wonderful for me last night! I was sitting around eating a salad and watching t.v. with my mutter when the doorbell rang. I assumed it was him, as the time of night indicated it had to be only him. ahaha. So My mutter goes to open the door and I get up to walk towards the door and I hear a car door slam and a car speed off. I am thinking.. what the hell? My mom picks up this bag and drags it in the house. IT WAS SO DAMN HEAVY!!!! A dozen roses and a card were poking out of the bag and I swear I started tearing up. So I bring the bag into the kitchen and start to open it. All of the wrapping paper smelled like him and I loved it. mmm. The roses smelled lovely too and they were really fresh and haven't budded yet. I put them in a vase and in my room right away. The card was soooo loving and inside the card were a shitload of pictures he printed out and formatted of us. There were also some pictures a little bigger of us in the bag. I was definitely feeling emotional after seeing that. Besides that, in the bag was a candle set with two huge ones and 3 smaller ones. I LOVE candles and they smelled soooo good. I put them around my room too to light. He also blew some pictures of us up and had them professionally formatted and framed. I can tell they look SOOO good. I hung them up too. Last but not least he put in a ton of my favorite things in the whole world! REESE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!! I know I am a fatass but I LOVE THEM! He never forgot.. I told him they were my favorite the first day we ever met. The whole thing was just so thoughtful.. my mutter was in total shock. I mean he has done a lot of sweet things for me, but this too a lot of time and each thing was so sincere and geared toward us. No one has EVER done something like that for me before. I just felt so emotional and crazy out of my mind like oh my god he loves me so much. I feel like I need to be a better girl for him because I do love him too and he is just doing such sweet things for me for no reason! It's so beautiful.
The night before last things felt back to normal and blissful with him. We layed in bed and just cuddled and drifted off for a couple of hours. In the mix of drifting off and waking up, I noticed that kept wouldn't stop kissing me. It was so romantic. I didn't want to let him go. I felt so safe. Lately I have not felt safe but when he is around I really do. This paranoia and my nerves... they are so bad! I want nothing more than to forget all of my fears and for the moments I am with him, I forget most of them and that's better than forgetting none. I just feel so much better knowing that someone would do anything for me and would do anything to win me and make me happy.. I know that sounds selfish but damn it, every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. I need a man who would jump hurdles to be with me, you know? I think I found that and I am happy with my decision.
I wish I could erase last weekend because the whole thing was out of control and I really should not have drank that much I guess. I love to party but there's a line where you should consider if you are heading towards beligerance and if so maybe take a step back. I just feel like I made an ass out of myself. A complete idiot and I don't want to disrespect him like that or make him feel like he cannot trust me. :/ He truly deserves better than me. I am such a mess. As my parents say, a hollywood trainwreck. On Sunday I woke up feeling so... confused and akward and upset. I drank some coffee and went shopping to help dissolve my thoughts. I didn't want to think about anything. I felt like a shell... I don't know. I just feel like I hurt my character. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I need to work on managing myself and my actions better.
With that said.... I have so much more to say buttttt... I need to go check on my tee and take a shower. I look how I feel... like hell. I hope mixing a lot of different vitamins, supplements, and aspirin won't hurt me.. I feel high.
I need to get things done. Tschussi my darlings.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
a little ttime to spare....   
01:00pm 05/11/2007
 
mood: confused
had court this morning.. super boring. I am now at the Bibliothek waiting for class. I really feel weird today. I think this past weekend was just...well... it was fun on one hand and sucky on another. I mean Friday was okay. I just kind of relaxed and had coffee and just a glass of wine before bed... nothing too exciting.
On Friday he and I made it official again. I am really happy about it. I just have the belief that depending on the circumstances, people deserve second chances. At least I know that if it doesn't work this time, then it never will. I am just so nervous and I cannot shake the feeling. It's nothing to do with him or anything against him. I just feel closterphobic again.... trapped. I always get like this. I made it a point to try and change though. I need to make it a point because if I don't fix this, I will be alone forever.. I'll never settle. I am not saying that I want to settle right now. To be completely honest, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can talk about this with him because we JUST got back together and ohh what a conversation to have...so negative. I love and care about him. I don't wanna lose him. I just wanna be honest about my fears and not have to hide them with a smile. I think someone out there knows what I mean. I hope. I am definitely not like my other family members for sure... ughh.... and of course after I am in a relationship again, more and more guys are trying to get with me.. it never fails. I hate that.
Saturday was pretty cool. I went shopping with my mom.. shop therapy really does work for me. We also got coffee and just had a good talk. Saturday night I decided to stay in and relax. I really didn't feel like going to any of the parties that I was invited to. I am glad I stayed in because later on I heard that there were soooooo many people arrested at the party I was going to go to. That would have been just super, right? After all the things I am already putting up with. Anyway...
Yesterday I went shopping again.. I know I am addicted to shopping.. don't have to tell me twice.. I just love it. Fashion... ohhhhhhhhhhhh it makes me so happy. After that, he came over. Last night was just...... pretty bad. My poppi was just making him feel so bad and saying he was not good enough for me.. I know all poppis probably do that.. but.. I mean this was insane.. like interrogation and just.. craziness. I don't really feel like going into detail. My Mutti was pretty pissed with my poppi. After the drama I had a talk with him and he made ME feel bad like i had something to do with what my poppi said!!!! I mean... just a lot of the things he said to me hurt me.. after all I went through to be able to give us another chance. I don't know. Maybe I am overreacting but it was a pretty big deal to me.. especially after he told me that he hopes he finds the right one for him.... and then right after added in, if it's not me. WTF? Then he tried to take it all back after I started going new york on him and he was like hugging me and saying I am the one for him and all this blah blah and I just felt super bad. It was pretty horrible.. I mean, the fact that I had a couple beers.. maybe that helped me blow things out of proportion but still...
He also got mad about other things that really are stupid or other things that mean a lot to me and he doesn't want me to think about them. It's like.. where do I go from here. I want to give this a fair shot but we realyl need to erase the drama and start fresh. We can't start our relationship back up on a bad note. Ughh... so then he wanted to "love" me but I was truly not in the mood and I dunno it was akward and basically the night was ruined. I kicked him out after that. I went to bed so unhappy and that is the worst way to fall asleep. He sent me a couple text messages during the night. I read them this morning and I guess things are okay. I am over it pretty much except the talk we had last night really did bother me.... so I think that I need to talk to him about it. I will. I cannot just move forward with him without talking this out. I am a gemini... I am a communicator damn it.
I know that I said some pretty bad things to him last night too, so I just want to clear the air.
Anyway, this is all that I really have for now.
This weekend has got to be a good one. period.
Update later.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
uh ohhhhhh nono   
12:06pm 01/11/2007
 
mood: paranoid
We did PR journalism in my journalism class today. It was pretty cool. I really just love going in there and learning about different types of journalism and the techniques. I really cannot wait to graduate so I can chase my dreams. That's what I am happy about... there are plenty of other things but my dreams really keep me going. I feel like I daydream about 95% of my day away and that is not so good. I just don't feel like I can concentrate so much lately and that's a bad sign for me because it means sinking, sinking, sinking. These past few days have not been so good for me.. and I have been doing good for a while. I don't know. I guess just with everthing going on, it's easy for me to stress out, forget about what I am aiming for, and lose myself in this thing. I wish I had normal percreptions.. good ones. I wish that I could just be a normal happy person. I am happy.. but normal I don't know. I don't mean normal like personality-wise. I mean normal in other ways. I mean.. it's like a waage...er... um... balancing scale? I don't know in englisch. On one hand I would do anything to take back the last years and just not go there. On the other hand I don't know what I would do without this. It's my escape. It makes me feel better, as crazy as that sounds. I am just a perfectionist in every way, shape, and form. It goes for everything in my life. It controls me. I need to control it. I need to alter my ways of thinking.. I just don't know how.
I am feeling pretty paranoid and ocd right now. I am going to go exercise some and then take a shower and then make some green tea. I think I will feel better after that. Let's hope so.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
I hope   
11:25am 30/10/2007
 
mood: contemplative
I really don't know what I want to say. Well.. I do but I don't know where to start.
I feel sort of in limbo with life right now and I feel so out of control. I need to take charge of my life again. I just don't know how. I am just so stressed and busy and ready for this semester to be over. I am just paranoid. All I do is sit around, eat, and worry and that terrifies me. I don't wanna complain about it all though... I just need to do something about it.
On another note, I really hope that he and I can pull it together. We are doing so well right now but he said a lot of things to me last night that got me thinking. Am I really only a 50% giver in relationships? He said that when he met me, I gave 100% and that I was constantly showing my feelings for him and other people could see my feelings for him too. He said last night that now it's like I only give 50% of my feelings to him. He said that other people have noticed that I have changed and he is really upset about it. He wondered just what had happened to me.. where the girl he met is? Honestly, I wish I could tell him. I do love him. I care so much!! It's not my feelings for him that changed... it's just ME that has changed. I wish that all of my inner battles didn't have to affect where he and I are. It's not only that he said that I give 50% right now. He said he was terrified to be hurt by me again and I completely understand that. He just verified everything that every other man in my life has told me. I am complicated, confusing, and a heart breaker. I need to stop this. If I want to be happy in a relationship, I cannot treat him the way I have treated ones in the past. He said, "Pamela, this is not a show! This is my heart! These are my feelings! We are not on t.v. Stop acting Diva and give me YOU!" He was so serious too. I am used to him joking around and being all playful but last night was just so serious. He said that the only reason we are not officially back together yet is that he does not know if I am serious about it all or if I am only playing games. He said he didn't want to be with me out of fun. He said that this was no joke to him and that he wants to be with me and he is serious about me. That terrifies me a little, as when things seem serious it triggers a green light for me and I wanna speed through the stoplight and drive as far away possible. I need to stop this. If you lvoe someone, you show them. You don't let other people get to you. I won't let other people get to me ever again... not my family... not my friends. I need to operate with my heart. I need to. Not doing that has ruined everything in the past.. and I want my future to be very wonderful. I know that he cares for me so much. I want to give that back to him. I want to clear my head and just let go of everything and give him what he has given to me.. a reason to love. I have a reason. He is not someone that I want to push away. I already tried... and through everything... through people telling him he wasn't welcome.. my family, my friends.. he still stood at my doorstep.. he stuck around!! What kind of person does that?? Most people would say fuck it and leave. Through everything he stayed...... I feel like crying. I don't know why I couldn't see that before.. maybe I did... but maybe I pushed those thoughts out of my head. It's not fair. How could I do this to someone who is clearly here for me for the right reasons??? I will never pick a man who could give a rats ass about me over a man who truly deeply loves me and SHOWS me that. I don't need anything else. I don't need any applicants. I have my man. He has me.
After the serious talk, we had so much fun together. Those are the times that I have missed for so long. I feel like we are on this path to US again.. and not this akward stupid situation. I feel like that is gone. I really hope so. I missed us so much and I am not afraid to admit that to myself anymore. I won't break him apart again. Nobody deserves that. I know how that feels and no one on this earth deserves to feel worthless.. to feel like nothing. Nobody deserves to be alone. I don't care who you are. Everyone needs someone. I will be his someone for whatever he needs. I need to try. I need to be the best damn girlfriend I can be and give 150%. He deserves that.. after everything I put him through.

On another note....
I still miss Europe terribly though. I cannot wait to go back to visit.. whenever that may be. I have found myself thinking about this so much.. and crying. I never cry.. I don't know what has gotten into me.
I have to go.. have an appointment. Update more later.. still have so much to say....
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
funny...   
02:46pm 25/10/2007
 
mood: pissed off
It's so hilarious to me that something soooo stupid can be blwon out of proportion. There are better things to be concerned about.. and me "betraying" her shouldn't be one of them. I didn't do that but she can think whatever because she will anyway. Don't make it into a fucking theater.. a fucking t.v. show. This is real life and what you're making out to be a big fucking deal, really isn't worth arguing about.
My case. Point. And I'm over it.
So over it.
I don't feel bad because I have nothing to feel bad about. I have bigger things to worry about.
~~Pamela
 
     

1 Danced the night away | I hope YOU dance

 
still sinking....   
11:01pm 14/10/2007
 
mood: sad
This weekend has been so much fun..a bit of a blur and some drama to add to that but nonetheless a very fun weekend. I love those kinds of days.. where you just drift away... not worrying about a damn thing. Aloof. I love that feeling. I felt like all was well and nothing mattered and today happened and I am bummed that it's Sunday night. Sundays are never great days because they remind you to get back to reality. That's so sad of me. I don't know why I bother.... but everyone needs a break.
I had a talk with my mutti tonight and it was a good thing for me. I am so conflicted and I don't know how to shake myself of these dreadfull thoughts. Simply out of control. I am really fearing for myself because I don't have much to hold on to. Or at least I feel like I don't. I won't feel sorry for myself though. I bring this chaos into my life and I just need to rid myself of it. It's hard.
I don't know why I put myself into these positions. Wait..maybe I do. Maybe it's all a ploy because I wanna be what people wanna see in me. They see everything beautiful and positive..they expect perfection...and maybe I expect that out of myself too. Nobody is perfect...but nonetheless I strive to be.
Maybe I do this because I feel like I deserve something more out of life...
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy...like nobody can ever truly "love" me...whatever that means. Maybe I am just really bad at relationships and truly opening up to people...but there is only so much that I can give before I break down. It seems that when things start to get really deep and romatically involved I run. I run without a second thought.. but lately..I have forgotten how to leave someone behind without having to watch him go.. and that hurts. I have never experienced hurt like I have in the past months. It's just been a horrible time and all I want to do is put it aside and concentrate on something else other than the problems I am having or my feelings... but I can't seem to do it.. It is such a burden and a heart failure. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't know how I got here or why I am feeling like this but it is too much. I want nothing more than to leave this place...leave these memories and forget what I have been through... but I know that won't be happening anytime soon.
Schade.
~~Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance

 
this week cannot go by any slower....   
10:51am 10/10/2007
 
mood: bored
I feel like such a helpless, confused and lost little girl...
I need to get over this stuff. I know I keep saying I will and I will eventually but I need to rant a little more.
I really don't know what's going on with anything anymore and it sucks. I miss feeling like I have control over my life. I can't wait until that feeling of control comes back, whenever/if ever it may come.
I cannot wait for the weekend because I have the feeling it will be so much fun. Me and Ashlei are going to run it.
Anyway, I am really happy to be talking to my sister again. It's nice feeling like we are getting close.
This entry really is pointless...I was just bored. I guess I will go study for my deutsch quiz coming up. Update when I actually have things to say....
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

1 Danced the night away | I hope YOU dance

 
yet another post because I am lame..and bored before class....   
02:55pm 09/10/2007
 
mood: confused
I just got my first story of this year assigned to me and I am incredibly nervous. I always am when it comes to my writing though so I really shouldn;t be freaking out. This is, after all, what I do. I am just a perfectionist, no matter how much I try to deny it. I cannot wait for the weekend.
xoxo alles liebe,
Pamela
 
     

I hope YOU dance